“Heroes are made by the path they choose, not the powers they are graced with.” – Iron Man (A quote from a Marvel character on a review for a DC movie?! For shame!)
Just a warning: For some reason I really felt like cursing in this review so be on the lookout for that.
Ah it’s finally here. The crying into a void has finally resulted in the void shouting back, “Take it, here, now shut the fuck up!” Yeah right, nerds shutting up. Good one. I’m already hearing murmurings of wanting Ben Affleck to have his own solo Batman movie with Zack returning to direct. Kill me, now please. Thank you. It’s never about appreciating the now, it’s always what else can you give me? On one hand I’m kind of proud of the perseverance to get the Snyder Cut released but on the other hand it sets a scary, and by scary I mean annoying as hell, precedent that these nerds think that simply bitching about anything that upsets them, someone somewhere will change it for them. I mean fight for what you believe in but god damn, pick your battles. Just my two cents. Oh and picking Zack Snyder as your battle is an odd choice if you ask me. But of course you didn’t. Forgive my yammering, I’m tired as hell and still have to write this piece of literature. Anyway, the review I guess…
Have you ever watched a really mediocre, and I mean remarkably average, movie and thought, “You know what? I wish that abstract mess was unreasonably longer.” If you have then the mythical Snyder Cut is just the thing for you. Let me preface my grievances by saying that as someone who hated the original 2017 version, this director’s cut is much better. That said, paint a turd gold it’s still a turd, right?
That’s basically my overall summation of this gargantuan 4 hour and 2 minute runtime of an insomnia cure. There’s a lot to appreciate about the effort of trying to better the car wreck that is the 2017 version but nearly two hours of this behemoth is filler. It’s unnecessary, haphazardly pieced together information completely irrelevant to the story at hand. I think though where this never stood a chance is that with say The Avengers movies, those each had movies preceding them allowing for the character development to unfold there making way for a more confrontational finale that the Avenger films are. Not that development didn’t take place in those films, they just never had to explain the origins of every character in a movie that should be able to depend on you having been caught up on its characters. With this new director’s cut it had to let everyone get their time for character exposition and to some degree, character development that would hopefully explain their decision to join the league and save the world. Especially with the Aquaman character who was at first adamant about keeping a low profile and not risking his neck. It had to show why he would turn around and be a part of the fight. Keep in mind this movie was originally made before Aquaman’s solo outing.
From a visual standpoint, Snyder unquestionably has style but as with most of his movies, it’s all style, no substance. It’s a pretty girl with big boobs and no obvious cognitive function. Sure she looks great but god damn she is going to ask you some seriously stupid questions. I refer you to the chicken of the sea incident as an example. A major part of his repertoire since one of his most iconic films, 300, is the use of slo-mo. Holy mother of god there is sooooo much slow motion in this film that I’m convinced if you were to remove even half of the shots featuring slow motion the runtime would fall under three hours. It becomes downright mind numbing at times watching ninety percent of the action taking place at a pace that would have a snail wondering what the hell is taking so long. According to the story, The Flash is fast. You wouldn’t know it if for some odd reason you watched the movie on mute. He looks like the world’s slowest ice skater being electrocuted by a toaster dropped in a bathtub.
Visuals aside, from a story standpoint it feels the same as before, simply with slightly more information to… ponder I guess? It all feels like separate scenes pieced together without reason or planning. It never feels cohesive as if one story is being told. It’s a mess of dozens of micro stories stuck together with a glue stick.
I could go on but my bed is calling me. I can’t in good conscience say this movie is the worst but I can’t say the extra funds that brought it to where it is was entirely worth it either. It just felt like a familiar story scattered throughout scenes of superheroes doing superhero things and then even more filler for good measure. I mean this fucker is fours hours long! Don’t know if I mentioned that part enough.
Batman is out of his element. Wonder Woman is fine (in every sense of the word). Aquaman is an alcoholic with a propensity to save people while sounding like maybe, just maybe, he has a confederate flag hanging on a wall somewhere (Just a dumb joke, calm down). Cyborg needs a hug and a therapist. The Flash is a child hanging out with grown people doing grown things as he sits there sucking his thumb and only removing it to say, “Wow!’ as he watches Superman punch shit. Oh and of course Superman saves everyone, including the heroes. The End. That’ll be four hours of your life please.
Look, I’m being an ass, I can admit that much. In all seriousness I just never experienced anything with this new version that made it all worth going through again. Are there cool moments? Absolutely. Is that enough to make a movie great? Absolutely not. Again, this is all just my two cents. You can now call me an idiot asshole if you haven’t already. By the way, if you loved it, I’m happy for you.
Rated R For: violence and some language (You get to hear Batman say fuck!)
Runtime: Just 4 hours. Nothing an entire weekend won’t solve. That’s 240 minutes if you were wondering.
After Credits Scene: Seriously?! 4 hours wasn’t enough? No. Now go mow your lawn or something.
Genre: Action, Adventure, Fantasy
Starring: Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill, Ray Fisher, Ezra Miller, Jason Momoa
Directed By: Zack Snyder
Out of 10 Nerdskulls
Story: 5/ Acting: 5/ Directing: 5/ Visuals: 7
OVERALL: 5.5 Nerdskulls
Buy to Own: It’s now streaming on HBO Max.
Check out the trailer below:
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