Nerdlocker Movie Review: Spring Breakers


SPRING BREAKERS 2I will try to stay calm as I write this but that will be difficult. I hated everything about this film. There is not one thing that I recall that was decent about it. It has a 90 minute run time but it felt like a three hour MTV music video. It’s a 90 minute attempt for Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens to separate them from Disney once and for all. This will get entirely too much attention for the soul reason that a bunch of young women are in bikinis. James Franco then enters the “story” and takes it to whole new level of terrible. This is by far his worst role ever and I see no topping that feat.

Every year spring break rears its ugly head and showcases the worst in people. The drugs, the alcohol, the random sexual encounters… it’s anarchy in bathing suits. For four young college girls spring break means freedom, it means a break from the boring that is normal life. Unfortunately, they have no money and it’s pretty costly to make a trip to paradise for some debauchery. So they get the bright idea of robbing a café to fund their, as they see it, life changing trip to palm trees and an ocean breeze. They rob the café without a hitch and begin their trip.

After having so much fun they can’t believe it, the fun comes crashing down when they get arrested for the robbery they committed. They must either pay a fine or spend a few more days in jail. With no money left they have no option but to stay in jail. As they sit in a box a jailer opens their door and says they have been bailed out. They saunter out to find a, let’s call him eccentric, self- made rapper and drug dealer who calls himself Alien because, “He’s from another planet ya’ll!”. They may be young and naïve but they aren’t stupid enough to think this guy doesn’t want something in return. He says all he wants to do is show them a good time and he’s the man to do it. They go along with him out of sheer desire to have fun at spring break. The longer they stay with this guy the darker things get. When he’s not dealing drugs or rapping, he’s robbing people. Well, he learned everything he knows from a fellow gangster who doesn’t appreciate that Alien wanted to go out on his own. The other gangster, let’s call him Ice Cream Face (he has a tattoo of ice cream on his face, scary I know), doesn’t want Alien trying to take over what he sees as his turf. A feud begins to arise and guns start to fire. This is when Alien decides the only thing left to do is kill Ice Cream Face. And he wants the girls to help him do it.

In a very drawn out scene they storm the boat deck and make their way into the compound of Ice Cream Face. Almost immediately Alien gets shot in the face and dies. The girls decide to press on to avenge Alien by killing everyone. Amazingly a couple of college girls with no prior gun experience take out an entire gang of drug dealers. They enter the premises uninjured and find Ice Cream Face sitting in a tub. A week ago they were in class bored out of their minds and now they are committing multiple murders and show no real sign of regret. Then, when everyone is dead, they kiss Alien goodbye and drive away in Ice Cream Face’s bright yellow Lamborghini. Yeah, no one will notice that. When all is said and done no one has learned anything. Isn’t spring break fun!?

No lessons learned and nothing changes. There is absolutely no point to this film at all. I have never been this upset after a watching a movie before. It upsets me that it upsets me. I had trouble writing this because I wasn’t sure I could come up with the proper adjectives to describe the way this makes me feel. So I thought I would just add the definition of terrible.

spring-breakers-filmTerrible: extremely and shockingly or distressingly bad, “a terrible crime”
Synonyms for terrible: awful, dreadful, and horrible.

These words, this definition, describe the movie better than I ever could hope to. Avoid this “film” at all costs. Do yourself the favor and forget this ever existed. How this was made I will never understand. Why it was made I will never understand. I will admit, the women drew me in and that was my downfall. I have never seen a more repetitive film in my life. Nearly every line is, for some unknown reason, repeated over and over again. Multiple scenes are shown numerous times and it’s exhausting. I would say about 90% of this film is filler and it’s pathetic. SKIP THIS FILM!

Rated R for: strong sexual content, language, nudity, drug use and violence throughout
Runtime: 94 minutes
After Credits Scene: I have to be honest, I didn’t stay. I couldn’t wait to leave.
Starring: James Franco, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson
Directed By: Harmony Korine

Out of 5 Nerdskulls
Story: 1 / Acting: 1 / Directing: .5 / Visuals: 1.5
OVERALL: .5 Nerdskulls

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Chase Gifford

"Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world"-Jean-Luc Godard

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