8 years ago 8 years ago

Nerdlocker Movie Review: FANT4STIC

by Chase Gifford 8 years ago8 years ago

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By all accounts this is a talented cast – Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara and Jamie Bell among others so it boggles the mind that with such talent this went so horribly awry. This movie is so awful it’s borderline offensive. It’s as if they molded diarrhea and some how managed to animate it and teach it human expression. The characters are shells of the comic material they are derived from, the storyline is one giant build-up to a nothing ending where in fact, nothing happens. The CGI is piss-poor and with such a large budget ($122 million) it makes one wonder where all the money went. It certainly didn’t end up on the screen.

This impostor of Fantastic 4 is 90-something minutes of executives not wanting to relinquish the rights back to MARVEL (Which is what should fucking happen!) so they shat out this maddeningly atrocious lack of attempt reminiscent of the previous “Fantastic 4” films some years ago. When the movie ended I was upset that it not only took 90 minutes of my life but would take up more time as I wrote this review; scratch that, this isn’t a review, it’s a warning to stay away from this sham of a comic book film. Shit, it’s a sham of film, period. This is a prime example of Hollyweird execs getting in the way without any worry that us as the public (And their fucking over-inflated salaries. We pay for your Ferraris, assholes!) might in fact be wasting our hard earned money on dreck like this.

The inclusion of Victor Von Doom, a character that is very much apart of this world is somehow out of place here. His character is shoved in to create some semblance of a comic book hero film. And the look of him! He looks comically bad (not comic as in comic book, you get it) and his lines only drag the character further down the shithole. None of these characters matter. The relationships between them are forced to the point of resembling two people on a first date that isn’t going well. The relationship between Sue Storm, Johnny Storm and their adoptive father, Franklin Storm is weightless; it is less impacting than a pillow fight.

This entire movie is a trip to nowhere and it gets there in horrific condition. There is no payoff to sitting through this movie and by the end if you find yourself unfortunate enough to be watching it, you will be angry; furious if you’re a fan of these characters in the comics. I sit here and I rack by brain trying to think of a redeeming quality to this movie and I honestly can’t think of a single thing. Maybe the hopeful failure of this movie will convince the idiots at 20th Century Fox to give the rights to MARVEL Studios (doubt it) where it could actually become something worthwhile. Learn from Sony and give the control back to MARVEL, please. Stop shitting on fans for simply being fans because that’s what this feels like.

I think you can tell at this point that I am not in fact a fan of this movie (I am not). So that being said, I now tell you this- DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!!! Don’t give these parasites your cash; it will only encourage them to make more garbage in an attempt to shove it down our throats and then wonder why we aren’t smiling. To 20th Century Fox: Stop it, please. You are killing us. You are profitable in other areas; let MARVEL take care of the comic book films. Fantastic 4 is anything but fantastic. Do you remember the two Fantastic 4 movies that came before, that were directed by Tim Story? Remember how awful they were? This one is worse. Mull that over.

Rated PG-13 For: sci-fi action and violence, and language
Run Time: 100 minutes
After Credits Scene: No, thankfully.
Genre: Sci-fi, action/adventure, Comic Book
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathey
Directed By: Josh Trank

Out of 5 Nerdskulls
Story: 1/ Acting: 3/ Directing: 2.5/ Visuals: 2
OVERALL: 1 Nerdskull

Check out the trailer below (Don’t):