It’s the four big guns. While I, personally, would have liked to see Darth Vader represent the Star Wars division, I am a servant of the people and you all voted for Obi Wan Kenobi. Kirk wins the battle of the Star Trek captains, perhaps proving that Next Generation fans have faded away since the reboot. The Doctor represents his division (although Whovians have been surprisingly quiet) and T-800 terminates the Xenomorph in the classics division (nearly unanimously). So here’s my attempt at rationalizing the outcome of each.
Captain Kirk vs. Captain Picard – I would say that this was old school versus new, but really with the reboot films that gets a bit confusing. Classic Star Trek versus Next Generation adds a little more clarity. How does Kirk defeat Picard, who likely studied Kirk in the academy? He cheats of course. Besides, if it came down to hand-to-hand combat, a brash Kirk would land some wicked roundhouses before the more even-tempered Picard knew what hit him. Yet, somehow Kirk would lose his shirt.
T-800 vs. Xenomorph – The basis of T-800 winning this battle is that the Xenomorph has no bloodlust for a cyborg. While it’s possible that the Xenomorph could, with difficulty, dismantle the T-800, it doesn’t seem as though it would get the chance before the T-800 was able to either blast the alien into an acidic goo or tear it to bits himself. Yeah, the acidic blood would deliver some damage, but the relentless robot would be able to deliver a fatal blow before then.
The Doctor vs. The Weeping Angels – Seriously, where are all the Whovians? I know there are a bunch of you out there because you’re always arguing over whether the 10th or 11th Doctor is better. Are you just too snobbish to participate? Well, the Doctor defeats the Weeping Angels. How? Who cares?!? (Doctor Who pun. Nailed it.)
Darth Vader vs. Obi Wan Kenobi – In round one of this battle, Obi Wan viciously dismembers his newly evil, child murdering, apprentice. No one felt bad for Anakin, ever. We just wanted to see him dawn the black mask. In round two, Obi Wan surrenders his life to the master of evil so that he could become a ghost-Jedi and help Luke revive the Jedi order. So how would a round three proceed? Is it Darth Vader versus a ghost Obi Wan? As much as I like Alec Guinness, that might be a bit futile and downright boring. What would happen if Darth Vader in his prime fought a young Obi Wan Kenobi? That would be epic. But since George Lucas made it so that all the Jedi were shot down by Clone Troopers, we never know how Darth Vader would fair against a fully trained Jedi.
If I had a T.A.R.D.I.S., I’d go back in time and get Lucas to rewrite episodes 1-3 so that Episode 3 would become Episode 2 but without the Jedi getting Fredo-ed in the end. The new Episode 3 would be nothing but Darth Vader hunting down and destroying all of the remaining Jedi. In my eleven-year-old imagination, back in 1988 that’s how Episode 3 went down (although it was in my backyard with wiffle ball bats). Ah, the halcyon days – before Jar-Jars, pod races, and medicolorians.
So here’s my chance. Darth Vader versus a young Obi Wan Kenobi.
Vader, after having hunted down and destroyed all of the other Jedi has become stronger than ever in the Dark Side of the Force. It hasn’t been easy, though. Injury after injury in each of these violent battles has left him more machine than man. Still, he has finally tracked down his old master, Obi Wan Kenobi. Starting with his staple force choke, Obi Wan counters with a force throw. Realizing that they are evenly matched with the force, it comes down to a lightsaber duel. Obi Wan is surprised at the amount of strength Vader’s robotic body has given him. He is taken aback as Vader simply uses one hand to counter his attacks. Kenobi decides to take advantage of his own mobility but he is again surprised at the agility of Vader’s mechanisms. While Vader cannot leap and flip like the old Anakin, he can maneuver quickly enough to counter all of Kenobi’s attacks. Obi Wan decides to calm his mind and consider a new approach. He seemingly lowers his defenses (foreshadowing, yo!) and tells Vader of Padme’s last hours alive (without mentioning the twins of course). Vader, filled with hate, charges and Kenobi has to use all of his strength and agility to parry and avoid Vader’s deadly blows. Vader’s anger gives Kenobi the advantage, however. After flipping over Vader’s murderous jab, Obi Wan ducks under Vader’s next swing and again severs Vader’s legs (irony, yo!). Vader is left once again by the merciful Obi Wan who must now find a new, more obscure planet on which to hide. Hm. Perhaps he would hide on the very planet where he and Anakin first met.
See. Wouldn’t that have been a better ending to Episode 3 than Frankenstein-Vader?
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