Nerdlocker Movie Review: F9


“I live my life a quarter mile at a time… For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” – Dominic Toretto

What can I say about this franchise at this point that hasn’t already been said ad nauseam? It’s ridiculous and over-the-top? You already know that. It should have ended five movies ago? Again, you already know that. With each new addition to the franchise it beats to death the idea that there is nothing off limits where money is involved. I mean that from a budgetary standpoint but more than anything, specifically with this franchise, there are no limits when it comes to story, and I use the term “story” very loosely here. I’m convinced that the story meetings for the F&F franchise consist of vast amounts of booze and marijuana fueled by a massive budget and a lack of adult supervision. Each meeting begins with the phrase now become mantra, “What can we get away with this time?” And then away they go throwing caution to the wind with zero concern for anyone who finds themselves in front of a screen watching this nonsense.

I was on board with these movies until number six and then I completely checked out. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t suspend my disbelief for one more physics defying action sequence that features a sleeveless Diesel rescuing someone. At this point I’m surprised they haven’t taken all the leftover material from his shirts and made him a superman outfit considering how much he flies around in these movies seemingly unscathed. If I rolled my eyes any harder at each increasingly, unbelievably obnoxious sequence my head just might jerk back so hard I fear I may decapitate myself in the process.

It feels redundant trying to review these movies at this stage in the franchise. If you look at one of the longest running franchises, James Bond, you’ll see a varying degree of nuance and change. There’s change in actors, in story and the action sequences. With F&F they just kind of do the same thing over and over again hoping no one will notice; or that anyone will mind the mandatory headache these movies induce.

As much as I trash these movies (rightfully so in my opinion) there is one thing I must give them; they are absolutely hilarious. I don’t believe the intention was to constantly have the audience laughing but in my experience and having a guest join me at the screening of F9 it becomes quite clear whatever their intent the final outcome is a sequence of events that make you laugh in absolute disbelief that something so ridiculous actually got greenlit. This next part I feel compelled to discuss but I have made it a lifelong rule to never ruin a movie experience for anyone else, even if I hated the movie in question. So with that in mind this next part is a major spoiler, you have been warned.

SPOILER

There has been a long running joke that this franchise has become so outlandish and has jumped the shark so many times we’ve all lost count, that the only direction they can take the franchise is up, into space to be exact. That joke is now a reality in F9. No, I’m serious, they go to space; in a Pontiac no less. I’m trying to rack my brain thinking of an intentional comedy that was released this year that is half as funny as the space sequence in F9. At times it begins to feel like a straight to tv level of stupidity but with a large budget to really polish the turd. So for the laughs and happy tears shed over the absurdity of this whole thing, I thank those that brought this mess to life. But also, it’s enough, please stop.

END OF SPOILER

To really drive home how hopelessly half-baked these movies are one need only look at the titles of each new film to realize they gave up trying to make any kind of sensical effort about four or five movies ago. F9? Really?! How lazy of a title is that?! The fourth movie all they did was remove ‘the’ from the title doing little to differentiate itself from the original. Fast Five was when the laziness really began to set in. From there it just became a game of how they can include a number into the title and call it a day. Furious 7, F8… I’m beating a dead horse at this point but they did it first so I feel no guilt in using a bat on the already pulpy animal.

F9 is exactly what you think it will be. There are no surprises here beyond what they got away with this particular movie. Even then it’s not my favorite surprise. They yack about family and destroy everything in their wake. They are experts in all things from martial arts to driving of course to literal gravity defiance and physics bending. They are superhuman and the movie makes no effort to conceal this. In fact it actually acknowledges how unrealistic this whole endeavor truly is. I can’t take these movies seriously anymore and maybe they were never meant to be taken that way. All I know is I’m over these movies and so of course Hollyweird will dump a bunch more on us. This far into the movies we all know which group we fall into, you either love these mindless things or you quit on them long ago, if you ever liked them to begin with. Stop jumping the shark, harpoon the fucking thing and end this madness. Please.

Rated PG-13 For: sequences of violence and action, and language
Runtime: 145 minutes
After Credits Scene: Mid-credits, yes.
Genre: Action, Adventure, Crime
Starring: Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson
Directed By: Justin Lin

Out of 10 Nerdskulls
Story: 3/ Acting: 5/ Directing: 5.5/ Visuals: 7.5
OVERALL: 4.5 Nerdskulls

Buy to Own: No

Check out the trailer below:


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Chase Gifford

http://www.nerdlocker.com

"Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world"-Jean-Luc Godard