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Jason’s Vault – Let’s Hope It Really Is The Last Lovecraft

When I saw the trailer for The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulu, I thought it looked like a Shaun of the Dead for Lovecraft fans. However, The Last Lovecraft was the antithesis of Shaun of the Dead. It was so bad that Cthulhu himself is rolling over in the underwater city of R’lyeh.

The storyline is pedestrian and it flowed about as well as an old man with an enlarged prostate.  This movie is a perfect example of writers trying too hard to be funny.  The two main characters, unlike those of Shaun of the Dead, are obnoxious and completely unlikable.  The film tries to establish a relationship that is similar to that of Shaun and Ed, but the actors just don’t have the same chemistry and the writing is not at all natural nor witty.  In fact, the only redeeming value of the dialogue is that if frat boys had to take a shot every time the f-word was shouted they would die of alcohol poisoning.

Paul runs away with the relic...for about 30 paces.

The D & D playing, Lovecraft aficionado, Paul, has the only laugh-out-loud moments in the film.  They just happen to be the exact same moments included in the preview that fooled me into thinking this movie would be humorous. Still, it’s funny when he runs from the cult of Cthulhu until he can’t anymore and between heavy breathes compliments the villains on their cardio before getting knocked out.  The second funny moment is when he calls himself an “eagle ninja,” falls out the second story window, and breaks both his arms. Paul seems a bit of a watered down version of Alan from The Hangover.  Calling his grandma a “peanut butter whore” and offering the more obnoxious of the two protagonists a friendship bracelet are forced and failed attempts at the shockingly awkward humor of Galifianakis’s Alan.  Paul doesn’t achieve the same sympathy or the same guffawing laughter.

I know I keep comparing this to Shaun of the Dead, but it’s only because it seems as though the creators were trying to emulate it.  But this movie failed in all the ways that Shaun was brilliant.  As previously mentioned, the witty dialogue, heart-warming friendship, and character development are all lacking.  The plot is uninteresting and seems to have been made up as they went along.  The grossest inadequacy, however, is that Shaun of the Dead was a zombie movie AND a romantic comedy.  The zombie effects were just as grotesque as any other zombie film.  It made you jump as much as it made you laugh.  Lovecraft  pays homage to the father of modern horror by title only.  If the director and writers had left out the fish creatures and focused more on the madmen that make Lovecraft’s stories so chilling, then they could have made it funny.  Get the horror right first then put in a cheesy monster here and there and it would have gotten a laugh.  Instead, the whole movie was a joke – and no one is laughing.

Don’t put this on your Netflix cue like I did. It’s not even worth watching in instant play. One skull for an eagle ninja with two broken arms.

I've been a comic nerd since Spider-man and his Amazing Friends and the Super Friends. So someone please explain to me, when did Aquaman become so cool? Also, why isn't She-Hulk in more media?

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