Princess Kidnapping 101


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Sometimes life courses can change. College kids switch majors all the time and adults can move from career to career, for example. Another life change? Becoming a villain. It happens! Are you one of those who have recently transformed your lawfully good life into an existence of conniving and trickery? Keep reading. Now that you’ve decided to become a villain, it’s time to discuss your duties as a heel. This, of course, begins with the art of kidnapping princesses. From cartoons to movies to video games – every villain needs to kidnap princesses. It’s practically in the job description. Here we will cover the some of the basic tendencies of popular princesses, the techniques you can use to kidnap them, and how to avoid trouble from her pesky boyfriend when he comes to save her.

Beginner Level

Princess Bubblegum, Adventure Time

Princess Bubbglegum rules over the people of the Candy Kingdom. However, the Marshmallow Kids are the worst thing you’ll have to worry about in the Candy Kingdom and, realistically, what are a bunch of Marshmallow Kids going to do to stop you? Besides, if the Ice King can do it, so can you.

Finn and Jake are no pushovers, but they can be handled with the right strategy. Finn has an unnatural fear of the ocean, so taking the princess to a water fortress under the sea will keep the pair at bay. But the best way to neutralize this pair is to slip them a bit of freezing potion. Just be sure to put your pet penguin minion in a crate or he’ll smash your freezing potion before you can use it.

Princess Jasmine, Aladdin

Another beginner princess resides in Agrabah. Luckily for you, Princess Jasmine’s dad, the Sultan of Agrabah, is a bit of a buffoon, so he won’t be too much trouble to get by. The best way to kidnap Jasmine will be through the use of your extensive toy collection. The Sultan loves toys and you can get in his good graces by showing him your vintage Batman action figure collection. After that, getting access to the palace will be a cinch for you!

Jasmine dates the pesky street urchin, Aladdin. He poses little more than a mild nuisance by himself, but he’ll no doubt bring his troublesome pals with him. If you have a loud-mouthed bird who makes inappropriate jokes, then you can send him to steal the lamp to take care of the giant blue genie that accompanies him.

Intermediate Level

Princess Peach, Super Mario Brothers

Princess Peach has been getting herself kidnapped since 1985 and has not gotten any better at avoiding being nabbed since. Toadstool employs minimum security in the form of small weak mushroom people, so the element of danger will not be a factor in your plot. Have your flying airship on hand, as you will need it for a timely escape.

However, Princess Peach’s boyfriend, Mario, works as a plumber and could pose a possible threat to your scheme. Flowers and leaves give him super-powers, so be sure to hide all of them inside inconspicuous floating bricks. Other methods to slow him down include sending any army of Goombas at him and creating a series of levels for him to grind through to get to your hideout. Avoid letting him eat mushrooms at all costs. Once he gets jacked up on those things, it’s game over for you.

Princess Zelda, The Legend of Zelda

Princess Zelda reigns over the land of Hyrule and wields the Triforce of Wisdom. Don’t let that scare you, though. All the Triforce of Wisdom seems to do is get all glowy on her wrist. Her light arrows hit like a truck, but she’s a terrible shot. (Line her up for the perfect shot in Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and she’ll miss by a mile). Just be quick on your feet and she’ll never hit you!

Princess Zelda’s boyfriend, Link, can deliver a good whooping with his Master Sword if you let him finish his quest, but fear not; he has one weakness that you can exploit. Link likes to lollygag about before actually saving Princess Zelda, so all you have to do is drop a bunch of worthless tools like empty bottles and boomerangs into random caves and ruins and he’ll spend ages retrieving them.

Expert Level

Princess Leia, Star Wars

Princess Leia reigns over Alderaan. Of course, the Death Star made short work of the planet, but her status as a princess still holds and you need to consider a lot of factors before plotting a kidnapping attempt. First of all, she flies through space in a Corellian Corvette class spaceship, so if you plan on tracking her down, you’ll need a ride that can catch it and disable it. Read: your broken down El Camino in the street won’t cut it. Not only that, but Princess Leia packs heat. She will not hesitate to pop off shots with her blaster if you try anything funny. You only have one chance. You must learn the ways of the dark side (don’t worry, there will be cookies), wear an all black Star Wars costume and talk like James Earl Jones. Having a glowing laser sword never hurts either.

Once you have the fair Princess Leia in your mitts, the problems have only begun. Her boyfriend, Han Solo, likes to shoot first and he has a giant bear-dog-man-thing as a best pal. Scotchgard all your furniture; Wookie hair carries all kinds of dirt and allergens on it. Unless you want all the furniture in your hideout to smell like a wet dog, this is your first priority. As for her boyfriend, Boba Fett can be hired for a nominal fee to neutralize Han. Of course, her brother is a Jedi Knight, but you can deal with him by offering him a lucrative career in cartoon voice-overs to distract him.

Princess of the Amazons: Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman

I’m not kidding, don’t try anything with her.
So now that you have a few strategies under your belt, you may be thinking about trying for a really tough princess. Stop! The princess game after Leia becomes too dangerous even for those with a wide array of superpowers. Unless you have more powers than a Kryptonian, stay away from this princess — take a look at what she did to Superman!


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