March Nerdness 2012 – An Uncanny Champion!


0

The Uncanny X-Men vs. The Uncanny X-Force

The Uncanny X-Men vs. The Uncanny X-Force

Apparently Cyclops has decided to put his foot down about the Uncanny X-Force. Thus he takes his half of the X-Men team to shut down Wolverine’s black-ops cadre. Here are the individual matchups and results:

Psylocke vs. Emma Frost – If this were a Victoria Secret fashion contest, Emma would win (especially if Betsy is sporting that atrocious Lady Britton costume). But it is not. While Emma does seem to be the stronger telepath, Psylocke is a trained ninja who has had a smorgasbord of psychic powers at one time or another. Yeah, Emma can go all shiny on ol’ Betsy, but I wonder if Psylocke’s psychic knife could penetrate Emma’s diamond form. I’m going to say “yes,” and this is how Psylocke wins. She gets in close and personal (behave!) and puts a psychic blade right to Emma’s temple. Somewhere Jean Grey is giddily cheering, “Take that you sloppy-second strumpet!”

Deadpool vs. Storm – The Merc with the Mouth and the most humorless X-Man this side of Cyclops. Maybe if Storm was sporting the Mohawk she would be tough enough to outlast Wilson. But the masochistic mercenary would just enjoy getting shocked by lightning and thrown around by hurricane winds. Unless she froze him solid, Deadpool would just keep coming until he could get close enough to take Storm out.

Fantomex vs. Magneto – This is a tricky one. Magneto is in my opinion the most powerful of all the X-Men. But I am so tired of all these classic villains being heroes. So, Fantomex uses his misdirection to get Magneto to believe his deepest desire – that homo superior rules over homo sapien. While Magneto is gloating in primo super villain fashion, he gets a ceramic bullet through the face.

Nightcrawler vs. Magik – I am sorry, but I really don’t give a flip about Magik. I didn’t care when she died in Colossus’s arms. I didn’t care when she was trapped in hell. These two meet on the battlefield because they can both teleport and both look demonic. Magik would easily dispatch the goody-two-shoes Kurt. But this is Age of Apocolypse Nightcrawler. He teleports your head from off your shoulders. He’s the honey badger of The Uncanny X-Force. Nightcrawler doesn’t care about a soulsword! He don’t give a *BAMF*.

Archangel vs. Colossus – Yes, I know that he’s not Archangel anymore. His “resurrection” was worse than The Search for Spock. Now he’s as fun as vanilla ice cream. They should have just killed him off. So I will correct that error. Colossus stomps the feathers out of this pampered rich boy.

Deathlok vs. Hope Summers – Hope Summers can mimic any mutant power. So, send the zombie cyborg to kill her – just make sure he does so far away from any other mutants.

Wolverine vs. Cyclops – This is what it really comes down to doesn’t it? These two have squabbled more times than a TV sitcom married couple. So who is the overweight doofus who married over his head and who is the surprisingly hot nag? It’s hard to say. What’s not hard to say is that Cyclops would most certainly lose this fight. Wolverine could have the flesh blasted off his body and then just come back in two days and take an eye for an eye.

X-Force Wins. This battle would really come down to the Uncanny X-Force members playing dirty. That’s why we love them and that’s why they win.

March Nerdness 2012 Champs!

Like it? Share with your friends!

0
Jason

I've been a comic nerd since Spider-man and his Amazing Friends and the Super Friends. So someone please explain to me, when did Aquaman become so cool? Also, why isn't She-Hulk in more media?